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  • Fucking Chuang Tzu, Man! (A Modest Proposal)

    Section: Pin Dudeism  | Date: December 3rd, 2009

    Dude at the MicBy Rev. Hieronymous Moondog

    It is open mic night at the Duder Bar and things are getting stranger and stranger. Some regular who will go nameless brought the World Famous Bushman into the bar, proceeded to get him drunk and then got him to go on stage and do his thing. The audience is presently going nuts. The Bushman is not used to working indoors. Reminds me of a typical night at the Holy City Zoo back in the day…early Robin Williams and all…Rob Schneider and such… I’m not really comparing the World Famous Bushman to Robin or Rob, of course, but…

    As a fitting end to his act, the Bushman lunges at a group of customers who have been taunting him and tumbles off the low stage into their laps. The crowd applauds wildly as chanting begins at the other end of the bar…"GorillaDude! GorillaDude! GorillaDude!…"

    bushman First Bushman now GorillaDude…figures…

    Actually, getting GorillaDude to the Duder is my doing. GorillaDude is a street theater guy who has gotten people’s attention around here lately…gotten a following…article about him in the entertainment section of the paper and all. GorillaDude, among other things, does a dead on impression of Jeff Bridges playing the Dude in the movie…voice, mannerisms, costume…the whole thing. When I first saw this I introduced myself, naturally, and told him to come on down. He immediately recognized that the Duder would be the perfect place to premiere this new take on the Dude he has been working on…plus make a surprise announcement that he knows will "make the entire entertainment industry beat down my door…or maybe just go bowling, man."

    Duder DJ Ron finally retrieves the microphone, which is being passed around in the crowd…

    butterflies"And now folks…live on our stage…direct from Fisherman’s Warf…the living legend y ou’ve all been waiting for…stand-up philosopher…Pataphysician…the King Kong of performance art…GorillaDude!"

    There are cheers and then the house falls silent as this spookily accurate incarnation of the Dude shuffles to the stage, a large glass jar in one hand and dog-eared movie script in the other. His cheesy robe has a Chinese landscape pattern printed on it. He secures the script under one arm and unscrews the top of the jar. A large number of butterflies flutter into the air…the audience oohs and ahhhs. GorillaDude grins…props his shades upon his forehead…looks the audience up and down…and then speaks…

    "Fucking Chuang Tzu, Man!"

    People flail about, trying to catch the butterflies, but cannot. Someone cracks the back door of the bar open and the butterflies escape into the night…applause.

    "Fucking Chuang Tzu thanks you, man…and I thank you! You guys remember Chuang Tzu, right? Chuang Tzu said he didn’t know whether he was dreaming he was a butterfly, or it was the butterfly that was dreaming it was Chuang Tzu. You guys might have just helped some freaky reincarnation of ol’ Chuang Tzu escape this crowded bar, man…so Chuang Tzu thanks you! If Master Chuang IS a butterfly, he’s got better things to do than hang out here! Fucking Chuang Tzu, yeah… womanizer…trickster..maybButterfly e even the first bonafide reality hacking P.I….betcha didn’t read about THAT in your Taoism for Dummies didja? Or about how he used the OTHER Butterfly Effect which he was hip to, naturally…to tweak the Tao in favor of his main ‘client’, King Xuan of Qi. Or…you guys are gonna really dig this, man…howz about his dreaming up of the first Human Flesh Search Engine? Got your attention yet?"

    Bemused mumblings in the crowd. I pull out my cell phone and call Joey Zhuang, dudeist P.I. to the max and self proclaimed great "plus 100 generations or so" grandson of Chuang Tzu himself and tell him what’s happening. Joey Z. says he’ll be here in 15 minutes. GorillaDude holds up his script.

    "So here it is folks! FUCKING CHUANG TZU, MAN!…the definitive feature length life story expose’ movie of the great chi kungerino Dude himself. Set 2500 years ago, man…but with up to the minute street style verbalizations, of course…"

    "Did Chuang Tzu abide, man?" Somebody yells out.

    "What you talking about broham? You talking about fucking abiDANCE, man…but not just the ‘tolerate and withstand’ thing, which is just fine when the usual shit hits the fan, but also…the MAYBE, man…fucking Chuang abided in the MAYBE…Chuang was into paying attention. You guys may have heard this old Taoist tale, but here it isChuang Tzu again anyhow…

    "There was this old hippie pot grower…they DID have hippies and pot farms in ancient China you know…(laughter)…who had worked his hidden fields for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. Such bad luck, man…they said sympathetically. Maybe, the grower replied. The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses. How cool is that?…the neighbors exclaimed. Maybe, replied the old hippie as he lit up another one. The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on this latest misfortune. And again, the grower answered…maybe. The next day, the sheriff showed up looking for the young man who had run off into the woods after being discovered making it with his daughter. Seeing that the son’s leg was broken, the sheriff figured it could not have been the grower’s boy and left. The neighbors congratulated the old grower on how well things had turned out. May…be, said the grower…

    "Far out, man…what did Master Chuang have to say about taking er easy, man?" Another dude inquires.

    "He had plenty to say about taking er easy…getting things done without doing anything…your basic archetypal effortless…ness, bub. Why to NOT EVEN TRY to amount to something special…all that hyper-casual Dudesmellow stuffDudeChuangTzu …you name it. One more quick take from the script…then I’m going to pass along to you boys and girls the REAL news I have for you tonight.

    "There was this guy who was so upset by the sight of his own shadow and so pissed off with the sound of his own footsteps, that he decided to get rid of both. The brilliant method he hit upon was to run away from these aggravating affronts…so he got up and took off. But every time he put his foot down there was another step, plus his shadow kept up with him with no problem …heh …heh. He attributed his failure to the fact that he was not running fast enough. So he ran faster and faster, without stopping, until he finally dropped dead. He spaced out the brilliant insight that if he merely stepped into the shade, his shadow would vanish …poof! …and if he sat down, poured himself a Caucasian and took er real easy…chilled deeply…there would be no more footsteps…"

    "Caucasians! Cuacasians!" The crowd begins to chant. GorillaDude motions for quiet.

    "Thank you all for you attentive appreciations and what-have-yous. I think you all agree that old Chuang Tzu deserves the best…so here it is…you guys can say that you heard it here first. Somebody get Variety and the Hollywood Reporter on the phone. Here’s the pitch…drumroll please…"

    "Fucking come with it GorillaDude! Come on, man…"

    Joey Z. taps me on the shoulder just as GorillaDude segways into an unerring Rod Serling introducing The Twilight Zone impression.

    "…imagine if you will…The Coen Brothers produce and direct FUCKING CHUANG TZU, MAN! Starring Jeff Bridges as the Dude as Chuang Tzu, John Goodman as Walter as King Xuan of Qi, Steve Buscemi as Donny as the Ghost of Lao Tzu, with distribution consultation by Jeff Dowd, spiritual consultation by Oliver Benjamin and the Dudeists, extras by the LebowskiFest guys, writing consultation by me…GorillaDude…and overall deal massaging by you, sir…"

    BuddharelaxingGorillaDude nods in my direction. I yell over the crowd’s enthusiastic rumblings regarding GorillaDude’s dazzling, killer box office bound proposal…

    "Double White Russians for all!"

    GorillaDude bellows back, "White Russians!? This is a fucking CHINESE picture, man…"

    His protests are drowned out by the chanting of the crowd…"Dude Tzu!…Dude Tzu!…Dude Tzu!…"

    Joey grabs my arm and leads me toward GorillaDude, "Introduce me to this guy H. P….tell him who I am…"

    *****

    From somewhere…out there across the sands of time…Chuang Tzu smiles…then whispers conspiratorially…

    "Howzaboutit you guys?"


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    5 Responses to “Fucking Chuang Tzu, Man! (A Modest Proposal)”

    1. Rev Wendy on December 4th, 2009 12:05 am

      Fuckin A man

    2. Rev Wendy on December 4th, 2009 12:05 am

      I particulary enjoyed being considered for spiritual consultation

    3. IowaDude on December 5th, 2009 12:18 am

      I had a particularly hard time following that, man…but whatever. I enjoyed the stream of consciousness and whatnot. Can I come?

    4. naturedude on December 5th, 2009 7:56 pm

      That’s fucking interesting, man. Left a strand or two in the duders brain to ponder…

    5. Dude1967 on December 6th, 2009 7:14 pm

      Far out, man.

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