by Rev. Dwayne Eutsey
Whether you see Valentine’s Day as a Dudeist holiday depends a lot on what your perspective is, man.
The Dudeist connection is pretty obvious if you’re into the whole Lupercalia thing (a natural, zesty fertility festival beginning on February 15 that helped ancient Romans shake their winter doldrums, among other things). According to the parlance of our ethos, the Dude and Our Special Lady had their own fertility festival when they engaged in the physical act of love. I mean, 
coitus.
However, if you believe Valentine’s Day commemorates a fellah by the name of Valentine, a Christian priest that legend says was martyred for performing outlawed wedding ceremonies in Imperial Rome…well, there’s no literal connection here, Dudes.
And let’s also not forget—let’s not forget, Dudes—that keeping a holiday, that Hallmark-created, for uh, money, you know, within card shops—that isn’t Dudeist either.
Either way you look at it, though, ordained Dudeist Priests are in a unique position to help couples innerested in getting married. With weddings often being huge sources of uptightness and stress, our laid-back presence can help them avoid getting married compulsively and without joy.
As a Dudeist Priest, you can legally perform all varieties of religious ceremonies in most U.S. states. As it says at Dudeism.com, you can minister over a wedding, a funeral, a bris, a baptism, or even a pet-spaying ceremony with pride and authority.
In my next Dudespaper column—which may be out sometime next week if I can get out from under some real reactionaries in my life right now—I’ll be sharing some pointers on how to preside over a Dudeist wedding ritual. In the meantime, here are some tips to consider if you want to help unite lovers in dudely matrimony:
1.Become an ordained Dudeist Priest here. It’s free and just a click away.
2.Before conducting a ceremony, check with the folks down at the league office (i.e., the local County Clerk) to make sure your designation as a Dudeist Priest is cool, legally speaking. There are some real reactionaries out there trying to pee on our matrimonial rug, man. Click here.
3.Aw, hell, lost my train of thought.
Anyway, have a warm, snuggly Valentine’s Day next week, Dudes. It’s like Lennon said, man: “Love is all you need.” Or was it, "Why don’t we do it in the road?"
In the spirit of Lupercalia, both seem fitting.
Abidingly,
The A-D
Lupercalia? Huh, I did not know that. Thanks for bringing this old shit to light, man!
Very provocative article…parts anyway. Dudeist pet-spayings? Sorry to split hairs here, but is threatening animals with castration something that Dudeist priests should be presiding over? But perhaps you’re right…I shouldn’t be such a fucking park ranger now.
And that got me to thinking, why should we settle for presiding over a measly fucking Christian baptism? Why not baptize new converts in a toliet bowl in order to better identify with and share in the suffering of the Dude? It may not sound like a very beautiful tradition, but at least it’s an ethos.
Lookin’ forward to your marriage piece, A-D. I promise myself that I’m not gonna cry
Having performed as an officiant at a few wedding ceremonies (back before El Duderino showed me the true way to take ‘er easy), I believe that every ceremony I was a part of would’ve benefited from having a toilet bowl somewhere in said ceremony. Woulda just fit right in there.
One ceremony, however, was in fact pure Dudeist.
Me: (turns to groom) Dude?
Groom: Dude.
Me: (turns to bride) Dude?
Bride: Dude.
Me: (smile and spread hands) DUDES.
That ceremony was at an arboretum, and was thus quite natural. I understand the zesty bits happened later.
Never made the literal connection with pet spaying and the Dudeist admonition against cutting your johnson off. Food for thought, Irish Monk, food for thought.
Irreverend, I dig your style, man. I didg Irish Monk’s style, too, of course. Can I use your ceremony in my column? The beauty of it is its simplicity. Once a ceremony gets too complex, everything can go wrong, man.
“Didg”? Fucking spelling errors…nothing changes…
I like the way you do business, A-D. Help yourself, man. It really helps to keep the ceremony basic; keeps from having caterers working in shifts. Just goes to show, sometimes it IS okay to roll outta there naked.
…and wouldn’t THAT have made an interesting wedding. :)
Oh, and Irish Monk, it’s copacetic, man. After all, strong men also cry.
Eros my brethren.
the omnipotent power of unconditional everlasting love
Irreverend that really touched me.