Keeping the Baksheesh #2

By Ryan Colt Weber

There is no such thing as a free lunch. This is a lesson my dad pounded in my head repeatedly as a child. In this day and age people attempt to lure us into many "easy money" schemes. As Dudeists we must avoid these schemes lest some strange characters come into our home and attempt to drown us in our own toilets and/or pee on our beloved rug. Here are a few of the more common schemes to watch out for.

Payday Advances:

It sounds like a Swiss fucking watch. They give you the money you will get eventually anyways right? WRONG! These reactionary bastards will give you money sure enough but when you finally do get your actual paycheck they expect a large chunk of the dough for their "friendly" services. You can easily screw yourself out of fifteen to twenty percent of your pay by going to one of these places. If you absolutely must have cash right then and there then you are much better off to ask a friend who is likely to charge you no extra fee except maybe a couple of oat sodas in return.

Pre-approved credit cards:

Just about every known citizen in the United States above the age of eighteen has recieved a letter announcing the fact that they have been "pre-approved" for a fancy schmancy credit card. If you are smart then you rip these up as soon as you realize what they are. Were you to take a closer look at the fine print you would notice that there is almost ALWAYS a catch such as an extravagant interest rate or some other bullshit. If you really feel you need a credit card then your best bet is your bank. They know you and how well you manage your finances and are more likely to offer you a credit card that is fair and mutually beneficial to you and them.

"Get rich quick" pyramid schemes:

There has been enormous judicial review of these pyramid schemes and most of the sleazier ones have been shut down but a few still remain. I can offer a perfect example that happened to me. A friend calls me and tells me about this "great" dietary supplement pill and the business plan that goes with it. I spend a hundred bones or clams or whatever you call them a month and get dietary supplement pills and I also attempt to recruit people to join up. Well I wisely declined and my unfortunate compeer is now stuck paying a hundred bucks a month for some stupid ass pill and can’t get enough people to sign up to even break even. Had he even found six suckers out there he would still only break even and his biggest benefit would be a hundred bucks worth of pills every month. How much do you wanna bet he wishes he had an extra hundred bucks of bowling and White Russian money? There is really only one safe alternative to these plots. If you really need the cash then do what your parents did, get a job sir!

There are of course many other plans and what have you’s to get your money and give you practically nothing so be aware of any deal you join in on and remember that once a plan gets too complex everything can go wrong. If there’s one thing I learned in ‘Nam….

Write in your cautionary tips in the comments section below. Share the non-wealth!