Who Gives a Shit About the Fucking Marmot?

by Rev. Art Schaub

It’s obvious to any Nature Dude that the Dude really was no park ranger. His misidentification of a ferret for a marmot reveals that when it came to zoological knowledge, he was out of his element. However, where some Dudes may shrug off the marmot comment as a random misidentification, Dudeman Nature sees a very complex case of deep, symbolic connection between Dude and marmot, ferret and Nihilist. Oh, yes.

I would suggest that the ferret, domesticated from a family of cold blooded, ruthless killers known as the Mustelidae is the perfect totem animal for those who believe in nothing and will do anything to get something: that is, Nihilists. Conversely, the marmot — a lazy, grass nibblin’, sun lounging and usually found snoozing, denizen of the peaceful, highland meadows — is a top-notch mammalian Dudeist totem extraordinaire.

If we recall the scene, the Dude has relaxed himself into a state of utter Dudevana by adherence to, what appears to me to be, a strictly regimented ritual, complete with a soothingly warm tub of water, soft candlelight, a smouldering spliff and the therapeutic tones of one great Goliath of a Dude animal — the whale. Indeed, the Dude may be a deadbeat when it comes to mammalian taxonomy but in this scene, he shows his true mastery of returning to the womb of creation. For a Dude wrapped in the confines of the urban jungle of Los Angeles, this is quite an accomplishment.

Now, just as the Dude has attained maximum “far fucking out” bliss, through his ritual combined with the news of the Dudemobile being found, his private residence is invaded by greed-driven Nihilists. The Dude, still not fully recovered from his blissful trance, observes the Nihilists along with their totem animal, the ferret, enter the bathroom. He comments, ostensibly in careless error, “nice marmot.”

Now, I would suggest, that the utterance of “marmot” by the Dude was not as randomly designated as it may appear. I propose, that the Dude was in such a state of Dudevana that he could not see the ferret for the Nihilist totem it is and instead, for the sake of Dudevana preservation, drew from the collective unconscious the most Dude like critter that could even remotely be mistaken for a ferret: the marmot. Yes, the marmot, a Dude totem, a protective ally, a last grasp at peace before the onslaught of terror. Much like a Christian clutching a cross to ward off vampires, the Dude calls upon the marmot to ward off the Nihilists. Unfortunately, for the Dude, it is to no avail.

Now, breaking into a private residence is crime enough where I come from, but to break into the private, holy state of Dudevana, where pure evil cannot even be imagined, never mind recognized, well that’s just… talk about dragging negative energy into the tournament. And let’s also not forget, let’s not forget…I mean, threatening to cut off someone’s Johnson…that ain’t legal either.

Now, before I go insulting the ferret by assigning it to totem status for Nihilists, let’s give it a fair pondering. First of all it is, as I stated, from the family Mustelidae, which in layman’s terms is know as the weasel family. Now, weasel is not a handle anyone would self-apply where I come from and their reputation stands for itself. Mustelids include weasels, ferrets, badgers and even the most vicious animal of the all the north country, which puts it in running for most vicious worldwide: the wolverine. The term Mustelid comes from the fact that this family of critters has some of the most potent must glands in all the animal kingdom. Stinking, vicious and bloodthirsty would be a fair description of the ferret and its relatives.

Up in Alaska, I once witnessed a weasel systematically exterminate an entire brood of helpless, pink and hairless baby mice (which look remarkable like a severed pinky toe!). One at a time the weasel removed the mice from their nest some where under my cabin and took them away, I assume to feed her young soon to be adult bloodthirsty weasels. So, these critters are baby killers to boot, as if we needed more evidence.

So, what about the ferret itself? It is a domesticated version of a vicious, wild, carnivore much like a dog is domesticated from a vicious, wild, wolf like relative. Yet, who could deny that their dog is anything but a faithful, kind creature, full of unconditional love? Fair enough, and I know some ferret owners that would say their ferret is simply an angel. I didn’t find mine to be that, exactly, although I imagine there are some good ferrets out there.

No, back in the day when I made the mistake of obtaining a ferret as a pet, I found it far from being affectionate. As a matter of fact, I watched my ferret bite my mom’s finger straight to the bone for no other reason than to watch it bleed. It was such a wild critter it ended up living in the space between the stove and the wall and would only come out to eat and then crap where ever it pleased. I was not in possession of a pet — I was harboring a wild critter in the confines of my home. My ferret was so wild at heart it eventually escaped the confines of domesticity and rambled off into the woods behind the house. And that is right where I left it.

So, how about the Dude’s misnomer, the marmot itself? In the east we have the woodchuck and in the west from California up to British Columbia we have the yellow-bellied marmot. This is not a very flattering name, as yellow-bellied generally refers to cowardice but they do have yellow bellies and they are pacifist by nature so, I imagine they were given the handle by some fucking fascist who wished to highlight the meekness of their nature.

As we go through northern Canada we get into the range of the hoary marmot. Again, a far from flattering handle. Marmots are large rodents and are vegetarian in nature. They eat grasses and forbs and live amongst the boulder fields of mountain meadows.

If you are hiking through a marmot meadow you will often here a loud whistle. This is the marmot’s warning call to other marmots that there may be a predator about. This type of altruism where an individual gives away it’s location in order to help others of its species is uncommon in the wild and shows the deeply imbedded Dudeist nature of these critters. Here we have a group of critters working together for the common good, I doubt the reactionary fascist who coined the marmots with such derogatory handles would think too highly of their socialist ethos, but as Dudeists, they fit right in there. After a season of meadow frolics the Marmot hits the hay in the early fall for a long nap until the following spring. A true Dudeist totem if there ever was.

So, there we have it, the ferret — a Nihilist totem, and the marmot — a Dudeist totem. I use these animals as symbols for people to contemplate when making choices in how they want to be. Nature has many lessons to offer here. I’ve given the Mustelids a bad rap for their bloodthirsty habits and highlighted the admirable Dudeness of marmots.

Yet as people, we have choices that animals do not have. In fact, weasels and ferrets are no more evil or good then marmots and groundhogs. They are part of the whole of nature and each has its role. Marmots are rodents and even if "hoary" does not, in the case of the marmot, refer to it’s reproductive strategy, it is well known that rodents in general are prolific fornicators that would take mother nature for the proverbial ride, ecologically speaking, if their numbers were not kept in check by their predators. If that weasel under my cabin did not eat lots of baby mice my cabin would most likely be overrun by them. Plus, rodent feces carry deadly diseases such as hanta virus which could do in a nature dude if too many of these critters are camping out in his cabin. And lets not forget bubonic plague, a deadly bacteria spread by fleas which hitch rides on infested rodents.

On the other hand, the weasel family is a group of amazingly hardy, agile and cunning predators and scavengers that can survive in some of the harshest condition Our Special Lady, Ma Nature can throw at them. If they appear to be blood thirsty it because they are incredibly efficient predators as necessitated for their survival. They do have my true admiration. And let’s face it, wolverines are just plain, badass amazing, and who can’t admire that on some level?

This being said, I still think ferrets make awful pets and that their attempted domestication was a blunder of animal husbandry. But that is just like my opinion, man. All and all, I believe some critters where just meant to remain in the wilds where they belong, they only have a role serving our Special Lady — a thought Dudeman Nature often has about himself when residing in a city too long. I just hope enough wilderness remains for them and for me.

A Conservation Note

Not surprisingly, there is a species of marmot that is of endangered status here in North America. It is the Vancouver Island Marmot of British Columbia. A population of about 300 individuals in the mid 1980’s has dwindled to about 100 currently. This puts the Vancouver Island Marmot high in the running for most endangered species worldwide. There is a captive breeding program designed to hang on to what’s left of this species and hopefully someday it will help increase the wild populations but even so, this is a desperate and sad situation for a true Dude totem.

In case, you may think rough and tough predators like the weasel family would be immune to the hand of extinction, I must again report, this is not the case. The black-footed ferret (a distant relative to the domesticated ferret of European origin), once widespread in the tens of thousands throughout the North American plains is now also critically endangered. They were down to 18 individuals in the mid 1980s but with a remarkable captive breeding and recovery effort they are up to about 750 reintroduced to the wild. These ferrets live in close harmony with prairie dog colonies and need large colonies to exist. Incidentally, prairie dogs too were nearly exterminated from North America thanks to habitat destruction, poisoning and disease. Their colonies are still stunted and fragmented at best and the long term outlook for both prairie dog and ferrets is bleak. Thanks again to the achievers that tamed the land for our exploitation.

Great Marmots of Dudeistory

Let’s not forget, in light of this new shit, that the eastern marmot, the groundhog, is already a revered Dude of deity-like status. You ever hear of a little event called Groundhog Day? Punxsutawney Phil might have the most Dudeist gig of any animal. He works one day a year and gets pampered for the rest of the year by devout members of his inner circle. As the best cared for groundhog in the world, Phil also gets the respect of a prophet for his ability to forecast the weather. If he sees his shadow and goes back in the hole on February 2^nd in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania there will be six more weeks of winter, and if not, an early spring. Not exactly a lightweight, a Dude might say, he’s the marmot for his place and time.

Furthermore, let us also remember one of the great mythologies of cinema history that celebrates the marmot as a totem of Dudeism. I’m talking about a movie here, Groundhog Day. In the movie Bill Murray plays Phil, not the marmot Phil but a selfish, nasty, piece of human paraquat, a weather forecaster also named Phil.

The basic premise of the movie is that Phil is stuck in repeating the same day over and over much like that Greek Dude who is stuck rolling the big rock up the hill for eternity. It is an endless torture. He has to do this day until he learns to not be a dick to everyone around him and start acting more like, well, a Dude. Only after he learns to respect other people and himself and finds that peace, love and understanding are the ultimate goals of human existence is he let out of the spell of the endless Groundhog Day by none other, I’d like to think, then the Tao of the Dude itself. The movie is quite laughable, man, but its deeper lesson is no bush league psyche-out stuff: it captures the essence of Dudeism.