by Rev. Dwayne Eutsey
The Arch Dudeship is back here at the monastery after a brief sojourn riding around, takin’ ‘er easy, and having the occasional acid flashback. At least I think those were acid flashbacks, but maybe I was just watching the news. It’s getting hard to tell the difference these days.
Anyhoo, now that I’m back in the holy lounge chair again, I should probably tend to some of my dudeist dudies, in the parlance of our ethos, that have stacked up here in the Arch Dudeship’s bungalow like a pile of my dirty undies, dudes. Laundry…the whites.
First, I want to thank all the dudes who have taken the time to write us here at St. Da Fino’s. We (the royal we, you know, the editorial) really dig your style, man, and the correspondence you send always make us laugh to beat the band. Parts, anyway.
If you have any questions about the ins and outs of Dudeism, or want to send us your notes on the what-have-you’s published here at the Dudespaper, or need advice choppered in for a Dudeist religious ceremony you’re officiating, or you just want to know what the fuck I’m talking about…you can leave a message for the A-D at firstname.lastname@example.org. I’ll get back to you. Sometimes takes a minute, though.
Now, I know that life does not stop and start at my convenience and sometimes you need some fresh spiritual creamer, like, right now in order to lighen up the dark Kahlua that the cosmos can pour into our lives at times.
If you’re uptight, feeling really shitty, man, really down in the dumps…You know, maybe you lost a little money to those rich fucks on Wall Street and you think you haven’t got a prayer. Well, just take it easy, man, and send a prayer to Our Special Lady at St. Da Fino’s Virtual Shrine. She is a good shrine, and thurrah.
We get so durn many prayer requests here at St. Da Fino’s through our interactive prayer technology that the boys in the prayer lab are busting their friggin’ aggets just trying to keep up. But all prayer requests we receive are read, dudes—from the sublimity of requests from Dudeists coping with serious health problems to the ridiculousness of wanting some cheese, on down to nihilists who want to fix someone’s cable. We send out good vibes to them all.
Here’s a sampling of some actual prayers your fellow Dudeists have sent us. Take a moment, fire up some incense or something more potent, meditate on your inner Dude, and help send some positive energy their way. We’re all in this together, man. Let’s all imagine where it goes from here.
Oh, and dudes, rest assured that we respect the fact that our prayer site is a private residence, man. We have made certain to de-identify any personal information in the following samples.
Your Prayer: that these people will mellow the fuck out.
Your Prayer: I pray that my husband will return safely from war.
Your Prayer: to be at peace with my inner dudeness and not feel guilty and anxious about the fact that my core philosophy is dudeism. find the necessary ambition do what has to be done, while abiding in dudeness
Your Prayer: I pray that my dirty bastard cheating ex-boyfriend gets run over by a bus today.
Your Prayer: Oh Special Lady,
Grant me the strength to abide,
The ability to ignore those who don’t abide,
and the courage the “get out of the fucking car” if I should start to stray.
Your Prayer: Oh special lady, please let D.’s girlfriend leave the pizza shop so i can buy weed from him. fuckin a man.
Your Prayer: i want some cheese
Your Prayer: I just want to pass math class, man. I don’t need to be a little Lebowski Urban Achiever, dude, but I want to pass, man.
Your Prayer: To be less “up-tight” in the thinking about my boss. To be able to take more comfort in my lack of motivation and laziness. To truly abide.
Your Prayer: I need a job
Your Prayer: More music, less work.
Your Prayer: I wish to find happiness from big waves in sunny climates, to feel the sand between my toes everyday. For my beautiful woman to marry me and be happy with me. to be able to not care about peoples opinions. To laugh at, well pretty much everything
Your Prayer: May my soul become saturated with the spiritual caucasion!
Your Prayer: I pray that some day, I too will get to fix Cherry’s cable.
Your Prayer: Please help me get over my weird lack of love issues so that D. and I can be happy
Your Prayer: some pussy tonight
(The A-D’s note: You mean, “vagina”?)
Your Prayer: I pray for a job that pays more money. I pray for R. to continue to love me, and for health for her terminally ill brother. I pray that people at the office are safe and happy, and that the jobs are not downsized.
Your Prayer: that my family will get along, be happy, and my granddaughter will have a great life
Your Prayer: I wish my students would get a life and do their work properly.
Your Prayer: My wife M. is cured of breast cancer.
Your Prayer: Like, give me the mellow
to accept the crap I can’t change;
balls to change what I just can’t abide;
and wisdom to get which is which.
Welp, That About Does Her, Wraps Her All Up
Amid the strikes and gutters, the ups and downs, “Give me the mellow.”
I don’t know about you, but I take comfort in that…I did just recently, in fact. For a while, the A-D had some setbacks, man, with some real reactionaries in my life. One afternoon I just said “Fuck it,” and lay on an air mattress in a tent among some quiet trees beside a lake.
There’s a lot to be said for lying in bed just like Brian Wilson did. Well, without all the weight gain, drug addiction, and mental problems he had, I mean. I was totally disconnected from “The Grid”, but was reconnecting in other ways. Just lying there still with the natural rhythm of it all—the afternoon sun, glimmering water, leaves flitting in a breeze—flowing on all around me.
By takin’ it easy, Our Special Lady, well, she gave me the mellow. Without all the running around and worrying about shit, I could hear the Dude’s words wafting in the air saying, “Obviously, you’re not a golfer.” After shaking my head a couple times, drinking some more wine, and lying back down, I tuned into a more reassuring frequency from the Dude and heard him say: “Life goes on, man.”
Now, I’m no park ranger, but to me there’s no better place than lying out in nature to see the truth of that platidude. You see how old trees decay into the same ground young saplings spring from. You see tides roll in, tides roll out. You see how everything keeps perpetuatin’ itself across the sands of time…
Puts in all in perspective and you start to reckon the same goes for us and all our plans…You realize if something in your world doesn’t work out, life will still go on in the larger world, man, to create something new. Any minor world that breaks apart falls together again, as the fellah says.
But that insight isn’t unique to me. Fortunately, in Dudeism, any major dude with half a heart surely will tell you that, my friend.