No Frame of Reference #8

No Frame of Reference—Musings from
the Arch Dudeship

By Rev. Dwayne Eutsey

Well, dudes, it’s that time of year again where we all find ourselves thinking about VD.

I mean, Valentine’s Day.

As I mentioned in a recent Dudespatch, we here at St. Da Fino’s aren’t really sure whether the Church of the Latter-Day Dude should even co-opt this here lovin’ holiday. But, then again, we’re not exactly sure what day it is most of the time, so our uncertainty shouldn’t be too surprising.

In this instance, there are actual reasons for our ambivalence. On the one hand, there’s the whole Lupercalia thing going on which fits right in there with the Dudeist ethos. Parts, anyway.

According to a fellah by the name of Plutarch, Lupercalia was an ancient Roman fertility ritual (held in February) which involved a couple of guys running “up and down through the city naked, for sport and laughter striking those they meet with shaggy thongs” Now, I don’t know about you, but that’s a festivity I can take comfort in, dudes.

As for the current commoditized version of Valentine’s Day, however, there is no literal connection to Dudeism. I mean, a bunch of uptight people running around buying cards and chocolates and dead flowers and whatnot…well, it just seems to encourage everyone to treat objects like feelings, man, and that isn’t the Dudeist way. (With the economic plane continuing to crash into the goddam mountain, it appears as though more and more people are coming around to our perspective, according to MSN and the BBC).

Above all else, though, I suppose we’re reluctant to co-opt Valentine’s Day as a Dudeist holiday because we aren’t exactly the sentimental type.

When it comes to romance, a lot of Dudeists take our lead from the Abiding Lebowski himself (I’m talking about the Dude, here, not the Millionaire Lebowski). Like the Dude, we’re not into the whole lovey-dovey thing, but we’re not reactionaries about it, either. When our special ladies (or special men, depending on how you roll) disrobe and issue forth a call for us to love them in a natural, zesty enterprise…well, we Dudeists can’t help but rise to the occasion (most times, anyway).

Beyond the basic ins and outs of a relationship, though, love can be a very complicated thing, man. Lotta strands to keep in the Dudeist’s head. And just what the fuck are we talking about when we say the word “love” anyway? Do we mean erotic love (eros), friendly love (philia), selfless love (agape), muskrat love (captenantenilia)?

Well, dudes, we just don’t know. Ultimately, you have your love story and I have mine…when we start poking into the diverse assortment of affection in the heart-shaped candy box d’amore, the whole concept abates into a big gooey mess.

So, yeah, there is a lot about love that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to the Arch Dudeship. But then again, maybe that’s why I find the phenomenon s’durned innarestin’.

Yessir.

Yep.

Well. Where the hell was I going with all this? Hold on, I’ll think of it…takes a minute.

Oh, right. Despite our ambivalence about Valentine’s Day and our general befuddlement in the pompatus of love, as Dudeists, we’re sometimes called on to do the priestly thing and help couples tie the what-knot (in the parlance of Dudeist matrimony).

Now, when it comes to weddings, the beauty of a ceremony is its simplicity. Once a wedding gets too complex, everything can go wrong. As ordained Dudeist Priests, that’s what we can offer lovebirds looking for a wedding service that won’t ruffle their feathers. In conducting a Dudeist wedding ceremony for them, we are in the unique position to help initiate their wedded bliss in simplicity and through just takin’ ‘er easy, man.

That’s why I like this high Dudeist (is that redundant?) marriage rite contributed by Irreverend right here at The Dudespaper. It’s about as pure Dude as you can get without leaving the toilet seat up.

Dudeist Priest: (turns to groom/partner-to-be) Dude?

Groom/Partner-To-Be: Dude.

Dudeist Priest: (turns to bride/partner-to-be) Dude?

Bride/Partner-To-Be: Dude.

Dudeist Priest: (smiles and spreads hands) DUDES.

According to Irreverend, that ceremony was performed at an arboretum and was thus quite natural. Irreverend also tells us that the zesty bits of dudely matrimony took place later and we assume no trees were molested in the consummation of the marriage.

Now, some misguided folks who aren’t as secure in their Dudeist disposition may decide they want something more mainstream. It so, here’s a sample ceremony you can adapt for any Dudeist wedding you happen to find yourself officiating:

We are here to participate in a wedding or, in the parlance of our times, to witness these two Dudes in the process of getting hitched (NOTE: “Dude” is the proper nomenclature for both male and female folks).

By this act we unite __________ and __________ in dudely matrimony. What we do today is done in harmony with the laws of the state of _______ and in the beautiful tradition of Dudes throughout history who—while not hee-ros, ‘cause what’s a hee-ro?—fit in with their time and place.

__________ and __________, before I lose my train of thought, I want to say that you stand before me having requested that I marry you both without compulsion but with joy. Do you both do this abidingly and without being uptight?

They answer “Fuckin’ A, man.”

Do any of you compeers know of any new shit that’s come to light concerning why we may not continue with this wedding?

Compeers answer “That’s cool, that’s cool.”

Then let us continue. __________, if it is your desire to become the exclusive coital partner of __________, then repeat after me.

“I, __________, take you, __________, to be my special lady/special man/special partner/what-have-you. In this moment I promise before these compeers to love and abide with you even when you’re busting my friggin’ aggets, and our son or daughter is married to a Jadrool loser bastard, and I got a rash so bad on my ass I can’t even siddown. You know me, beloved, I can’t complain.”

To other partner:

__________, if it is your desire to become the exclusive coital partner of __________, then repeat after me.

“I, __________, take you, __________, to be my special lady/special man/special partner/what-have-you. In this moment I promise before these witnesses to love and abide with you even when you’re busting my friggin’ aggets, and our son or daughter is married to a Jadrool loser bastard, and I got a rash so bad on my ass I can’t even siddown. You know me, beloved, I can’t complain.”

While Dylan’s “Man In Me” plays, the couple drinks from a communal White Russian, puffs from a sacramental jay, or bite from a single In-N-Out Burger, or what-have-you.

_________ and __________, you have shared promises and whatnot in our presence. Do you have a token or symbol of abiding together that you wish to exchange?

Couple replies "Well, yeah."

__________, will you give your token to __________ and repeat these words:

“I give you this ring as a constant reminder of the promises we exchanged today. As you receive this ring, receive my promise to abide always and forever with you.”

__________, will you give your token to __________ and repeat these words:

“I give you this ring as a constant reminder of the promises we exchanged today. As you receive this ring, receive my promise to abide always and forever with you.”

__________ and __________, you have exchanged your promises, given and received tokens, and pretty much have taken it easy in my presence. By these acts you have become matrimonial Dudes. According to the laws of the state of (name of state/intoxication/nirvana/confusion), I hereby pronounce you married Dudes. You may seal your promise with a physical act of love (preferably a kiss).

Couple kisses.

Let us pray. Good Lord. You can imagine where it goes from here. Amen.

Before conducting any Dudeist ceremony, of course, check with the fucks down at the league office (i.e., the local County Clerk) to make sure they’re cool with you performing a wedding service as a Dudeist Priest. If you’re asked to perform a wedding and would like to exchange information, please contact me at dwayne@dudeism.com.

Well, that about wraps her all up. Sure hope you all made it to the finals or fixed the cable and stayed away from any sick Cynthia things this Valentine’s Day with your special what-have-you.

Abidingly,

The A-D