What Exactly is the Problem?
An exploration of Dudeist teachings in everyday situations
By Rev. Headie Bean
#1: Duderonomy 1:5
Each day, we encounter various situations which test our faith and call upon what we have learned in the church. These moments in life will be filled with various obstacles and adversaries; both worthy and not. How exactly do we deal with reactionaries, aggressors, and fucking fascists? When our rugs are micturated upon, when our car gets a little dinged up, how do we keep our thinking from becoming very uptight?
In each column of "What Exactly is the Problem?", we will take a specific tenant of Dudeism and see how it relates to our everyday lives. Successfully applying the elements of our faith is a very complicated case; a lot of ins, lot of outs, lot of what have yous. Here, together, we will get down to cases. Also, we encourage emails from everyone with questions or stories about such matters and will employ them in this column. Send your concerns to [email protected]
I thought we would start our journey with Duderonomy 1:5
-When discussing a matter of grave importance, or even of trifling idiocy, always make sure to employ expletives as much as possible to prove your heartfelt honesty and conviction. To ensure your dudeness, all out-of-control, manic discussions should be followed with entreaties to "just take it easy, man."
The beginning of the passage dictates the use of expletives. But how? And what is appropriate? Say your boss catches you off guard about something that was not your fault?
“Why didn’t you tell me that there was a fire in the conference room?” Insofar as you had nothing to do with the coffee pot exploding, your first reply could be something along the lines of, “We all know who is at fault here. What the fuck are you talking about?”
If your boss then yells and insists that you "get a job, sir", you should then reply, "fuck it" and on your way out, make sure to take any stationery supplies in the office.
The use of expletives can really brighten up a conversation, while helping to make your point. Emphasizing a point “They didn’t get the fucking money,” or “Does this place look like I’m fucking married…?”
The latter part of Duderonomy 1:5 is the key to defusing the rants and raves of daily aggressors. When your adversary leaps off the deep end, it is important to be not un-dude. Keep your cool, and give em a “Just take it easy, man.” While this phrase can be applied at various levels of interaction, you should only use it as a means to an end. Overuse of such a powerful statement/command could, in fact, lessen its power. Thankfully, we will never have to use such powerful words with those in a fragile emotional state or conscientious objectors.
Here is an email I received from a fellow dude-
Dear Rev. Headiebean,
My wife is busting my friggin’ aggets and I have a rash. Please help.
Steve, thank you for the letter. I gotta rash, too. The next time she starts busting your aggets, try saying something like, “Look, I’m not trying to scam anybody here.” If that doesn’t work, invoke Duderonomy 1:5 and try saying, “You’re right, there is an unspoken message here, its fuck you! Leave me the fuck alone!” And if that doesn’t work, it’s time to hit home with “Just take it easy, man,” or “Will you just take it easy?” But at the end of the day, Steve, you can’t be worried about that shit; life goes on, man. You could also try putting down the toilet seat.
I look forward to reading more letters from fellow dudes, and hope to continue helping our dudethers walk the lane of our faith.
Until next time, take er easy.
Rev. Headie Bean
The Arch Dudeship says
Fuckin’ A, Rev. Headie Bean.
I’ve found a nice way to defuse volatile situations is to interject Smokey’s thoughtful query: “You happy you crazy fuck?”
Dear Reverand Headie Bean;
I’ve also found that when your professional world is spinning off of its axis and you are powerless to control it, that a simple “fuck you, pay me” exclaimed to your boss is also very helpful.
You’re the goods.
Arch Dudeship- I’ve used that a few times myself. In the interest of abiding, sometimes we have to just mark it zero; to use the parlance of our times. I’d like to see some tank battles, though.
VisionPixie- Also, a great plan; the beauty of it is it’s simplicity. Just try to get paid in cash so you dont get bumped into a higher tax bracket.