What Exactly Is the Problem? #2
By Rev. Headie Bean
What makes a drink? Is it being prepared to finish it, whatever the cost? In this edition of “What Exactly is the Problem?” we are going right to top of the good book…
Duderonomy 1:1 Thou shalt always use fresh creamer when preparing the sacrificial beverage. To ensure its freshness, it must be sniffed and even sampled before purchase. If it is unclean, put it back.
The literal reading is self explanatory. What dude would purchase un-fresh creamer? Aside from the heinous idea of putting spoiled creamer in our sacrificial beverage, cash is limited, and tomorrow’s already the 10th. Freshness is paramount on religious, health, and financial grounds. But there is a deeper meaning to the practice of sniffing and sampling anything before making a commitment.
The twists and turns of this whole darned human comedy need to be navigated accordingly; and the best way to do this is…preparation. Does one just haphazardly book the venue they want for their cycle without practicing said dance quintet? Hardly, dude. Nor would one book the first place available. When you “finally” book Crane Jackson’s Fountain St. Theater, your achievement lies in the persistence of booking your preferred locale to perform the cycle you have committed to finishing. You have, in essence, sniffed the readiness of your art and sampled the appropriate stage.
Not all of us have such lofty artistic endeavors; most dudes are merely landlords, private snoops, or television writers. Ensuring the freshness of your proverbial life cream can be seen in everything you do. I received this letter…
Dear Rev. Headie Bean
My bowling team is about to enter the next Round Robin. Our next match up is against some creep that can really roll, man. My thinking has become very uptight. Any suggestions?
Its nice to hear from you again, Steve. First and foremost, remember this is not ‘Nam; this bowling and there are rules. That being said, be conscious of toe position in relation to the line. Be sure to attend all practices and, if necessary, adhere to a strict drug regiment to keep your mind and arm limber. Sniff the cream of your team and sample the lane of your tournament location. If your roll is unclean, put it back by marking it zero.
Other tips to ensure the freshness of your life cream
– Keep all business papers in your briefcase.
– If you do not have the appropriate permit, do not park in a handicapped zone.
– When taking a relaxing bath, light candles and play soothing music. “Sounds of the Whale,” is a favorite among us Dudeists.
– Employ adequate security measures in your home to ensure the privacy of your private residence.
Life is a league game. How well you manage your cream will determine whether or not you enter the next round robin. Besting competitors and overcoming obstacles comes from preparation. So remember to sniff and sample; and if necessary, put it back.
Until next time, take er easy…
That’s fucking interesting, man. That’s fucking interesting.
You’re a fucking genius.
Sniff, sample and if necessary, put it back. Words to live by, especially when you are acquainted with people who smell and who you don’t particularly like.
Norma Rae says
what if you’re lactose intolerant?
The Dudely Lama says
in that case: