By Rev. Timmy Dude
It seems to me these days it’s hard to keep from getting eaten by the “Bar”. Every where you go there are people who thrive on fucking strangers in the ass, or pissing on your rug. A large part of our lives are taken up trying to feed the monkey and we get caught up in the very shit we want to escape from, and that’s where the “BAR” lives, and he’s hungry.
What can we do, as Dudeists, to escape the pitfalls of this extremely un-dude world we are living in? One word: Abide. Now, you’re probably thinking, “What the fuck are you talking about? It appears there are more gutters than strikes in any given day!” Well, a feller much wiser than myself, old St. Paul himself said: “Be content wherever you find yourself.” Or like in the very old song, we got to make the best 
of a bad situation. Anything worth doing is worth doing right, especially when you’re talking about taking ‘er easy.
I find myself telling people to “Just take it easy” more often than not. But then catch myself not following my own advice. That’s when I’m thankful I have like-minded abiders as close friends, people that are dudes and don’t even know it. They tell me no one can make you happy but yourself. Now that’s fuckin’ interesting, man. Who is to say we can’t make ourselves happy doing things we aren’t normally happy doing, or being in situations that make it difficult to enhance our calm? Here are a few thoughts of mine that may or may not make sense.
Keep your inner Walter in check
Yes, we all have a little bit of Walter buried somewhere inside of us. Stress usually brings him out, sometimes waving a piece and screaming “Doesn’t anybody care about the rules?” This leads to us wanting to grab those assholes down at the league office and beat the what have you out of them to help them see things our way. Very un-dude. Perhaps a strict drug regiment to keep our minds limber would help keep him locked up, or just say fuck it and go bowling.
Oat soda
I’ve heard Ben Franklin said “Beer is proof God loves us.” Now who can argue with that? Some 
burgers, some beers, a few laughs, this will make things go better, am I wrong?
Keep your mind limber
This can be done with or without the aid of certain substances. Meditation to me is just another word for zoning out, and music helps me get there. So listen to some music, even if it is the fucking Eagles. The brain is the biggest erogenous zone, and for me it’s also my personal jukebox, so if I’m where I can’t turn it up or have my walkman, I’ll access my own mental library of music and chill out.
Read The Dudespaper
Every time I read The Dudespaper new shit comes to light. There’s always a lot of ins a lot of outs and a lot of what have yous to consider in every article I read. Some people would think we’re just a bunch of freaks that live in a fantasy movie world, but if they were to really watch the movie, and then read what is written by Dudeists, they might discover the wisdom that’s found here. They would also find that we Dudeists are a lot like them; we just don’t let Nihilism get the better of us.
So when the “Bar” looms large in front of you looking to cut off your Johnson, try to remember to just take it easy, have an oat soda, limber up your mind, and fuck it, go bowling.
Fuckin’ A, man.
It’s your roll. Write in additional suggestions below.
Great advice, one of the hardest things to do is keeping up one’s zen on a daily basis. We all have our very un-dude moments, but as long as we keep ourselves in check then we won’t get our johnsons cut off(metaphorically speaking of course). We all know pulling a firearm during league play can make things a little tense, even if the other person stepped over the line.
A+ on the oat soda suggestion as well.
Take er’ easy
Straight-forward and simple. Really far-out article man.
Far out, Dude. I’m a single Mom (and what makes a real woman, if not having kids? well, that and a vagina)
It’s all on me to keep the room tied together, and believe me, there are days when it’s all I can do to keep the plane from crashing into the mountain. I’m a leo, and abiding was not a natural born trait. It had to be nurtured into a lifestyle.
I keep it simple, try to stay in and enjoy the present moment, and try to catch myself being undude and take ‘er easy. And when I DO catch myself in my un-dude moments, I try not to piss on my own carpet about it.
Oh, me, I enjoy the sounds of didgeridoo for zoning out, man.
from one dudeist to another…that article really pulled my day together…thanks dude!
Great article man. I dig your style. Sometimes un-dude behaviour (when Walter comes to play unnecessarily) is caused by fear and the best and easy way to handle it is singing a song, even the Eagles ones; because our brain isn’t able to handle feeling fear and singing at the same time. And it relaxes you too.
Or you can always look at the troll in the eyes and laugh at him. Laughing takes away fear too.
And, as a wiser fella then myself said in one of his books:”If life gives you lemons, have a lemonade” (Dale Carnegie). A good advice for these un-dude time.
Far out Dudes! Thank you for your kind comments. I’m glad you could understand what I was blathering about.
Abide.
Rev. Timmy- Your article was a good read, which was probably why I found it so durned innurestin’. I find that keeping my inner Walter in check can sometimes be a difficult task, but like greatspiritmonk, I find that music is the best tool to keep from going “over the line”, in the parlance of our times.
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